Words for the Dying, an Aku no Hana Fanfiction
by Hana Kafuka
Summary: A psychological story told in Saeki's perspective from right after Kasuga tried to break up from him and a hypothetical pondering on what would have happened if he chose Saeki instead of Nakamura on that rainy day on the mountain path.


**Words for the Dying, an Aku no Hana Fanfiction**

"Give me chastity and continence, but not yet." - St. Augustine of Hippo

**Chapter One: A Dream**

It was a cool, clear night in late April. The rain had descended upon the town earlier on in the week after transversing the mountain range that encompassed us. The scent was still present and filtered in through my open bedroom windows. Along with the scent of rust. It's a prevalent fixture in this town. I've noticed that only recently and I wondered why. It was the scent of decadence...of abandonment. Not in the literal sense but in the sense of spirits faltering and dreams falling to the wayside. It all feels so strange...

It was a cool, clear night in April and I couldn't really sleep. I had my eyes fixed on the gorgeous waxing gibbous outside of my window but my mind was fixed on my waning relationship with Takao Kasuga. He...broke up with me. Or tried to. Well, I'm not sure. I told him to think about it. I don't know if he did. He's been very distant with me as of late and I suspect he's falling out of love with me...and I know it has something to do with Nakamura. But what..? How is she involved with Kasuga...? And why would Kasuga be so close to her...?

Outsiders...

Or am I the outsider here? I don't understand. Am I not good enough?

I shift my gaze to the shadows moving outside. The tree branches waved in the gentle wind and in the darkness, they looked like charred, pleading hands, rapping the glass ever so often. With a shiver, I slide out from my comforter, the bed giving a subtle creak, and go over to shut the windows and draw the blinds. There's a person running amok in this town...

But that's him. I remember the Flowers of Evil symbol drawn on the floor of the classroom so I can be certain that was him. I know it was. I don't know why he did it...but I can't help but feel...I don't even know what I feel. Happy? At the expense of my classmates and teachers? It's selfish and perverse, I know, but I can't help but feel that way knowing that I was the catalyst for it. My gym clothes...stolen...possibly even...

I swallow a patched block of air. My face feels hot. My body...its like I was engulfed in a fever...sweating. I never felt this type of attention before...

I nestle under the covers with my face buried in my chest. Ample and ripe as a fruit tree in Spring or a mother on the cusp of pregnancy. The latter thought makes my face even more flushed... The thought of us...

Nakamura said that she told Kasuga that I wanted to have sex with him. I... I realize now that I didn't even rebuke her claim. And i had thought that she wanted to have sex with Kasuga and - ... It's all so confusing. My head is aching. No, my heart is aching. No, my eyes from all the crying I've been doing these past few days. It's probably all of the above. Everything hurts so much.

Why won't he let me in? We're in a precious relationship, aren't we? He said that, didn't he?

It was a very cool, clear night in April. My eyes were still wide open. It was almost as if the weight of my thoughts were holding my eyelids. I couldn't cry even. And every time I close my eyes, I keep on seeing her face there. And each time I see her face, I can't help to succumb to the bitter poison of hatred that women are said to only be capable of as if we were from a lineage of this hatred and only us - between us. I hate Nakamura. I hate her so much. I envy her.

I can't help but feel the shame of that realization. I'm so embarrassed. I'm pathetic. And while all I can do is hate her and envy her, she is next to him, possessing him like a malevolent spectre.

Kasuga. You liar. You said there was nothing going on between you two. I thought I could trust you and now... What is this contract? Talks of peeled flesh and mountains? Why speak in tongues with her - things that no one can understand, that doesn't make sense...

I stifle the coming sobs. Footsteps were outside the door; they stopped for a moment and then went down the hallway. The bathroom door open and then shut. All was silent.

It was so quiet... I was so used to being surrounded. All the voices. Voices of approval. Voices of joy. Voices... Beaming eyes...smiles. I never knew silence could be so imposing. So claustrophobic. I reach over to the counter next to my bed where my phone rested. I stared at Kinoshita's number and right before that...no...it wasn't possible. All that time of seeing his number there...I never even had it in the first place. Am I going insane?

This is too much... I just want to sleep. But I can't even do...that...without... The phone clatters to the floor. I can feel myself slowly drifting into clouds of darkness...get farther and farther and farther away from reality...yet I can't even dream within my own dreams when all I see is Nakamura... The bitch...

and Kasuga too...

I don't care right now.

Maybe it'd be best...if I died in this dream...

Before i can wake up into another...and another...and another...

And in the darkness, I called for him...and I received no answer.

And I said, I'd be waiting...but no one came.


End file.
